ten and a half bowling ball shaped holes in my floor

Every big presentation day, I feel like I am standing in front of my class, completely naked, trying to explain how great my boobs are.

I never think about what to say about them beforehand, because I'm always too pre-occupied with putting on the final touches before their grand reveal, so when the moment comes, and I realize that everyone in the room, including my partner, is looking at my chest with a blank expression, I panic.

I start saying things like 'they're charming...or at least trying to be..ha ha ha!' and share embarrassing stories - from my time I was fitted for a training bra to the time I was felt up on the back of a bus during a band field trip.

And after I've finished talking, there is an uncomfortably long moment of silence.

As I fumble to put my clothes back on, the professor asks my classmates what they think of my work. Someone will inevitably raise their hand and comment on how one boob looks a little bigger than the other or politely suggest I consider a bra with a little more support.

The professor nods.

Blushing, I wander back to my seat, sit down, and spend the rest of the day wondering if nobody was interested in my boobs because they were just too tired, or bored from seeing so many boobs before mine.

Or, perhaps, they just speak for themselves.

And I'm blogging right now why?

Have you ever felt like you are trying to juggle a dozen and a half bowling balls, and you aren't really sure how or why you have these bowling balls in the first place, but you know that if you don't catch them all, something really bad will happen, so you throw them up in the air, all at once, and just try to catch as many as you can as they come barreling down, but you know deep in your heart that your efforts to catch even one is in vain and will ultimately result in a dozen bowling ball shaped holes in the floor of your bedroom because you never properly learned how to juggle, your right arm is tied behind your back and your left hand is horrifically mutated?

Me too.

I'm famous! I'm famous!

You can expect my book to hit bookstores this May.

new theory

But first, two questions:

1. What month were you born in?

2. What is your favorite time of year?


Before you answer, think long and hard.


....



If you are like me, (as Liz Gershman is) you would say that you were born in the month of July (more specifically July 20th, 1982) and that, while you appreciate all seasons, Fall, is most definitely, your favorite time of year.

Have you figured it out yet?

I've tested this theory on a handful of people, and, so far it rings true with everyone.

...

The month or season you were conceived is your favorite time of year.

Makes sense, right?

No?

Prove me wrong.

Regardless of your opinion, expect to see my book in a bookstore near you soon.

hack ghosts

A friend and I were walking late last night along the Canal Walk when we got into a discussion about the ghosts that haunt Richmond. According to folklore, there have been multiple ghost pirate ship sightings on the James River, vampires are buried in Hollywood Cemetery and a little ghost boy plays outside the Capital building every night.

Pirate ship? Spooky.

Vampires? Creepy.

A child's laughter at night? Terrifying

But all this talk of ghosts made me wonder... are there ghosts who aren't spooky? I'm not talking about Casper, the friendly ghost, but more like ghost's who are just inept. They would either have died in hilarious - yet tragic - accidents or have personalities/professions that just aren't conducive to being a good, old fashioned, cliche ghost.

Without further ado, I present to you the top eight best worst ghosts:

Drunk Sorority Girl Ghost.
Two words: ghost vomit. With the catchphrase "Boo....or whatever", drunk sorority girl ghost can usually be found crying in dive bar bathrooms around 2am.

Stripper Ghost.
Much like drunk sorority ghost, stripper ghost would always have to be high to haunt. She would say things like "Ooohhhhh...." or "Booooooooooobs" as sexy as possible while spinning her ghostly pasties.

High School Drama Student Ghost
Wanders empty high school hallways, over-dramatically reciting monologues from Our Town.

Social Networking Ghost
He/she would only do and say things according to what his/her online avatars would do or say. Very self absorbed and only interested in tagging photos of his/her orbs in friends albums.

Crazy Cat Lady Ghost
Still scary, but in the funny way.

Amateur Paddleboat Tour Guide Ghost.
Dressed like a civil war reinactor, amateur paddleboat tour guide ghost looks the part, but lacks knowledge of historical context.

Movie Theater Concessions Stand Ghost
Similar to high school drama student ghost, but with more pimples and a bow-tie.

Kirsten Klieman's Ghost
Always at least 45 minutes late for haunting hour and, instead of "Boo!" Kirsten's ghost says "Oh hi! hi! hi there!"

More to come.

this just in

Apparently, Regency Square Shopping Center of Richmond, Virginia thinks the Easter Bunny lives in a giant purple tea kettle.

And, during mall hours, the 'Easter Bunny' patiently sits outside the front door of his giant kettle house on a painted white bench, and waits for children to climb up onto his lap and talk to him about god knows what.

All the while, two of his other stuffed rabbit guests enjoy a cup of afternoon tea in his backyard.

I don't even know where to begin.

cold shops

I'm graduating in two months.

For the last six months, everyone has been asking me what agency I want to work for.

I don't know.

But I've narrowed my list down to the places I don't want to work.

In no particular order, I present to you the top ten agencies on the bottom of my list:

Burgle Turd and Shine
Chotchy and Chode
Farty McSmelliot
Benton and Bowels
Queef
Stodgy and Stodgy (formerly Crotchety and Crotchety)
Ogilvy
Mckibbles and Bits
925
Druga 5

Feel free to add on.